my quaint world

I couldn't put a word to my feelings now.

The entire day was spent being in a deep daze. I couldn't do much work so I started cleaning my place. And cleaning and cleaning and cleaning. I guess the physical work helps to fill the emptiness.

My dearest friend who discovered that she had cancer when we were 25 and after 3 years of many many tears, joy and pain, she left this very day. We were close, very very closely bonded. Not closeness in an everyday way, but it was a real friendship we shared.

We met when we were 11 and went to the same school till we were 17. We lived in the same neighbourhood. Played the same games for our school - table tennis, badminton, volleyball. We were also in the perfectorial board (I was fired when I was 15 though)
We went on school trips, camping and also did all the girly teenage stuffs - yakkin on the phone, writing letters, giving presents, hanging out, going to "pasar malam", having lunches after school, secret meeting with boyfriends, watching our first adult movie...

In fact, there is 7 of us in the groupie. 7 wonderful friends that did all that together.

Then we all parted our ways for the different aspirations each one holds. Some studies medicine, some engineering, some media...

She came living with me in Singapore in year 2000 for a year before she went to continue her studies in New Zealand. Boy, what a time we had! At first we rented a room together, but couple of months later, we found ourselves a nice terrace house. We cooked together, we had parties and we ate durian almost every night (courtesy of her beau then)

We kept in touch sporadically after she left for NZ. Nevertheless, every Chinese New Year, we will meet on the first day. It is already a tradition since we were 13.

In 2003, she discovered cancer. Then our friendship took to another level. We were all fighting her cancer together. But of course, we couldn't share the bout of physical pain she had. Thru the journey, we discovered each others, ourselves and the true meaning of being friends.

We encourage each other, we opened up our innerselves, we talked about our fears, we cried together, we laughed out loud. And we know and trust that each only has the best intention for another.

Last I met her was in end April. We spent many hours talking - Sze, Mei, Yen and me. April 30, that was the night of the last long warm hug of hers.

Now that she's gone, all I hold are the memories we shared.

She's a wonderful person - smart, capable, beautiful, warm, friendly, true and always ever ready with a smile.

It is indeed painful, a great lost and I still try to grasp the very fact - for I still see her name on my skype and just waiting for her to ping me, hoping that is this a bad dream afterall. Or scrolling to her name in my mobile, wanting to ring and to hear her again.

But the fact is, I will never see, hug or kiss her again in this lifetime of mine.